Drawing: Colin & Brad from Whose Line...
Drawing's closed! (But if you still want to share a joke, please do!)
In the depths of winter, sometimes you just need a good laugh. Two guys who can help with that are coming to Proctors next month -- Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood from Whose Line is it Anyway. Sherwood and Mochrie are bringing their Two Man Group improv show to Proctors on Saturday, February 8, and we've got a pair of tickets that could be yours.
To enter the drawing, please answer this question in the comments:
What is your favorite joke?
Yep,tell us a joke. It's been a long cold week and we need a laugh. We'll start. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Give up? Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet.
OK, your turn.
We'll draw one comment at random -- that person will win the tickets.
If you don't win, but you'd still like to go, tickets are available at Proctors box office. Tickets are $29.75 - $36.75.
Important: All comments must be submitted by 5 pm on Friday, January 10, 2014 to be entered in the drawing. You must answer the question to be part of the drawing. (Normal commenting guidelines apply.) One entry per person, please. You must enter a valid email address (that you check regularly) with your comment. The winner will be notified via email by 2 pm on Monday, January 13 and must respond by noon on Tuesday, January 14.
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Comments
Q: Why did the cowboy want a dachshund?
A: To get a lonnnnggg little doggie!
... said Laura on Jan 9, 2014 at 1:20 PM | link
Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?
A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.
... said Chad on Jan 9, 2014 at 1:47 PM | link
At Starbucks I order under the name Godot. Then leave.
... said -S / Nein on Jan 9, 2014 at 1:57 PM | link
Does the name 'Pavlov' ring a bell?
... said Jason on Jan 9, 2014 at 2:34 PM | link
Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: Fssshh
... said MerryPain on Jan 9, 2014 at 2:40 PM | link
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent
... said Colleen on Jan 9, 2014 at 2:49 PM | link
What do you call a guy that gets turned on by a witch?
Scared stiff.
... said Sarah on Jan 9, 2014 at 2:55 PM | link
People say that women who smoke while pregnant risk giving their child brain damage, but my mom smoked while she was expecting me, and I turned out just flimmerflamafarml.
... said KGB on Jan 9, 2014 at 2:56 PM | link
How do you make a tissue dance?
- Put a little boogie in it.
... said Liv Dangerously on Jan 9, 2014 at 3:04 PM | link
Q:When is a door not a door?
A: When it is ajar
... said unome on Jan 9, 2014 at 3:27 PM | link
So why was the baby strawberry worried about his mother? Because she was in a jam!
Get it? Get it! Waka waka!
... said Ellie on Jan 9, 2014 at 3:30 PM | link
A baby seal walks into a bar.
Bartender asks "What will it be mac"?
Seal Says "Anything but a Canadian Club".
... said fuddley on Jan 9, 2014 at 3:36 PM | link
What did the toothless termite say when he walked into the saloon?
Is the bar tender here?
... said Len on Jan 9, 2014 at 4:03 PM | link
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
... said Sarah on Jan 9, 2014 at 4:10 PM | link
One for the geeks:
Werner Heisenberg was speeding down the highway when he was pulled over by a cop.
"Do you realize you were going 80 miles per hour?" the cop says.
Heisenberg responds, "Oh great, now I'm lost."
... said Patrick on Jan 9, 2014 at 4:33 PM | link
What's brown & sticky?
A stick.
:-D
... said Slacker on Jan 9, 2014 at 4:52 PM | link
I know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You're glad this list has only 10 facts.
... said Bob on Jan 9, 2014 at 5:24 PM | link
Three women are seated in the waiting room at a Planned Parenthood: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. The brunette says, "Since I was on top, I'm having a girl." The redhead replies, "I was on bottom so I guess that means I'm having a boy." The blonde gets quite upset, but they finally get an explanation. "I think I'm having puppies!"
... said Jeff D on Jan 9, 2014 at 6:15 PM | link
This one is from my dad when he first immigrated to this country: I walk into a restaurant when I got to NY, and in my thick spanish accent I ordered some "orange joos." The waiter politely responded, "Sir, here in NY we have white jews, and some black ones too, but no orange jews."
... said E on Jan 9, 2014 at 6:33 PM | link
A neutron walks into a bar, the bartender says "For you, no charge."
... said bb on Jan 9, 2014 at 7:43 PM | link
How many letters are there in the alphabet?
24 because E.T. phoned home.
... said Alison on Jan 9, 2014 at 8:57 PM | link
The U.S. Government.
... said JR on Jan 9, 2014 at 9:08 PM | link
my psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly too!"
... said Patrick on Jan 10, 2014 at 12:31 AM | link
Q: Why does Ariel wear Sea shells?
A: Because the B-shells are too small and the D-shells are too big.
... said Spencer on Jan 10, 2014 at 7:54 AM | link
Why can't you tell puns to kleptomaniacs?
Because they always take things literally.
... said Tara on Jan 10, 2014 at 9:12 AM | link
Q: Why did the banana visit the hospital?
A: It wasn't peeling well.
... said Nicole on Jan 10, 2014 at 9:14 AM | link
@Spencer:
> Q: Why does Ariel wear Sea shells?
> A: Because the B-shells are too small and the D-shells are too big.
She doesn't wear Sea shells during math class.
She wears an Algae bra.
Thank you. I'm here all week.
*sorry AOA
... said -S on Jan 10, 2014 at 9:48 AM | link
I met two very large ladies with English accents. I asked them "are you two lovely ladies from England?" They responded "Wales, you idiot, Wales!" So I said, "Excuse me, are you two whales from England?"
... said Harold on Jan 10, 2014 at 10:10 AM | link
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
... said Jennifer on Jan 10, 2014 at 10:29 AM | link
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
... said Andrea on Jan 10, 2014 at 10:30 AM | link
Q: why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?
A: she gets a frog in her throat right after 68.
... said Doug Bartow on Jan 10, 2014 at 10:31 AM | link
A blonde was out in a snowstorm and her car got stuck. She started to panic but then remembered what her dad had told her. "If you're stuck in the snow, wait for a plow to come by and follow it." So eventually a plow came by and she started to follow it. 45 minutes later the truck stopped and the driver came over to her car to ask what she was doing. She proudly explained her father's advice. The driver responded "OK well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot if you want to follow me over to the Hannaford?"
... said Chrissy on Jan 10, 2014 at 10:39 AM | link
Two hunters are out in the woods and one collapses. The other calls 911 and says, "my friend seems to be dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "calm down! I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter asks, "ok, now what?
... said Kelly Walborn on Jan 10, 2014 at 10:52 AM | link
Person 1: My dog has no nose.
Person 2: How does it smell?
Person 1: Pretty bad!
... said Jay on Jan 10, 2014 at 10:52 AM | link
Q: Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves?
A: A panda!
... said Joanna on Jan 10, 2014 at 10:53 AM | link
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were. RIP MH
... said Jessica on Jan 10, 2014 at 11:02 AM | link
It's Tuesday night and four old ladies are playing a game of cards.
The first woman looks at her cards and says, "Oy."
The second woman looks at her cards and says, "Oy vey."
The third woman looks at her cards and says, "Oy vey izmir."
The fourth woman looks up and says, "I thought we weren't going to discuss the grandkids tonight."
... said Chuck Miller on Jan 10, 2014 at 11:12 AM | link
Q: What do you call a bear without teeth?
A: A Gummy Bear
... said Michelle on Jan 10, 2014 at 11:39 AM | link
A mushroom walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender comes over and says, "We don't serve your kind around here". The mushroom responds, "Why not?!? I'm a fungi!"
... said Jeff M on Jan 10, 2014 at 1:01 PM | link
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first monkey.
... said RMH on Jan 10, 2014 at 2:03 PM | link
''I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one dog in it... it was a shitzu.''
... said Sean McLaughlin on Jan 10, 2014 at 2:06 PM | link
Q: Why are women so bad at parallel parking?
A: Because we're constantly lied to about what 8 inches looks like
... said Nat on Jan 10, 2014 at 2:43 PM | link
My five-year-old's current favorite joke:
Q:Why does Superman's shirt fit so tight?
A: He's wearing a size S.
... said Bob W. on Jan 10, 2014 at 3:04 PM | link
Q: What did one sausage in the frying pan say to the other when asked, "it's getting kind of hot in here, eh?"
A: "Oh my God!!! A talking sausage!!!"
... said mr. dave on Jan 10, 2014 at 3:15 PM | link
Q: What should you do if you find a blogger buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Get more sand.
... said Rob on Jan 10, 2014 at 3:26 PM | link
There was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?" "First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the leader.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"
... said kelly on Jan 10, 2014 at 3:38 PM | link
Two peanuts were walking in an alley one was a salted.
... said BB on Jan 10, 2014 at 9:09 PM | link