Drawing: Colin & Brad from Whose Line...

colin and brad mousetrap large

Drawing's closed! (But if you still want to share a joke, please do!)

In the depths of winter, sometimes you just need a good laugh. Two guys who can help with that are coming to Proctors next month -- Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood from Whose Line is it Anyway. Sherwood and Mochrie are bringing their Two Man Group improv show to Proctors on Saturday, February 8, and we've got a pair of tickets that could be yours.

To enter the drawing, please answer this question in the comments:

What is your favorite joke?

Yep,tell us a joke. It's been a long cold week and we need a laugh. We'll start. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Give up? Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet.

OK, your turn.

We'll draw one comment at random -- that person will win the tickets.

If you don't win, but you'd still like to go, tickets are available at Proctors box office. Tickets are $29.75 - $36.75.

Important: All comments must be submitted by 5 pm on Friday, January 10, 2014 to be entered in the drawing. You must answer the question to be part of the drawing. (Normal commenting guidelines apply.) One entry per person, please. You must enter a valid email address (that you check regularly) with your comment. The winner will be notified via email by 2 pm on Monday, January 13 and must respond by noon on Tuesday, January 14.


Q: Why did the cowboy want a dachshund?

A: To get a lonnnnggg little doggie!

Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?

A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.

At Starbucks I order under the name Godot. Then leave.

Does the name 'Pavlov' ring a bell?

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: Fssshh

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent

What do you call a guy that gets turned on by a witch?

Scared stiff.

People say that women who smoke while pregnant risk giving their child brain damage, but my mom smoked while she was expecting me, and I turned out just flimmerflamafarml.

How do you make a tissue dance?
- Put a little boogie in it.

Q:When is a door not a door?

A: When it is ajar

So why was the baby strawberry worried about his mother? Because she was in a jam!

Get it? Get it! Waka waka!

A baby seal walks into a bar.
Bartender asks "What will it be mac"?
Seal Says "Anything but a Canadian Club".

What did the toothless termite say when he walked into the saloon?
Is the bar tender here?

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?

One for the geeks:

Werner Heisenberg was speeding down the highway when he was pulled over by a cop.
"Do you realize you were going 80 miles per hour?" the cop says.
Heisenberg responds, "Oh great, now I'm lost."

What's brown & sticky?

A stick.


I know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You're glad this list has only 10 facts.

Three women are seated in the waiting room at a Planned Parenthood: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. The brunette says, "Since I was on top, I'm having a girl." The redhead replies, "I was on bottom so I guess that means I'm having a boy." The blonde gets quite upset, but they finally get an explanation. "I think I'm having puppies!"

This one is from my dad when he first immigrated to this country: I walk into a restaurant when I got to NY, and in my thick spanish accent I ordered some "orange joos." The waiter politely responded, "Sir, here in NY we have white jews, and some black ones too, but no orange jews."

A neutron walks into a bar, the bartender says "For you, no charge."

How many letters are there in the alphabet?

24 because E.T. phoned home.

The U.S. Government.

my psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly too!"

Q: Why does Ariel wear Sea shells?

A: Because the B-shells are too small and the D-shells are too big.

Why can't you tell puns to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally.

Q: Why did the banana visit the hospital?

A: It wasn't peeling well.

> Q: Why does Ariel wear Sea shells?
> A: Because the B-shells are too small and the D-shells are too big.

She doesn't wear Sea shells during math class.
She wears an Algae bra.

Thank you. I'm here all week.
*sorry AOA

I met two very large ladies with English accents. I asked them "are you two lovely ladies from England?" They responded "Wales, you idiot, Wales!" So I said, "Excuse me, are you two whales from England?"

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

Q: why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?

A: she gets a frog in her throat right after 68.

A blonde was out in a snowstorm and her car got stuck. She started to panic but then remembered what her dad had told her. "If you're stuck in the snow, wait for a plow to come by and follow it." So eventually a plow came by and she started to follow it. 45 minutes later the truck stopped and the driver came over to her car to ask what she was doing. She proudly explained her father's advice. The driver responded "OK well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot if you want to follow me over to the Hannaford?"

Two hunters are out in the woods and one collapses. The other calls 911 and says, "my friend seems to be dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "calm down! I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter asks, "ok, now what?

Person 1: My dog has no nose.

Person 2: How does it smell?

Person 1: Pretty bad!

Q: Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves?

A: A panda!

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were. RIP MH

It's Tuesday night and four old ladies are playing a game of cards.
The first woman looks at her cards and says, "Oy."
The second woman looks at her cards and says, "Oy vey."
The third woman looks at her cards and says, "Oy vey izmir."
The fourth woman looks up and says, "I thought we weren't going to discuss the grandkids tonight."

Q: What do you call a bear without teeth?

A: A Gummy Bear

A mushroom walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender comes over and says, "We don't serve your kind around here". The mushroom responds, "Why not?!? I'm a fungi!"

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first monkey.

''I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one dog in it... it was a shitzu.''

Q: Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

A: Because we're constantly lied to about what 8 inches looks like

My five-year-old's current favorite joke:

Q:Why does Superman's shirt fit so tight?

A: He's wearing a size S.

Q: What did one sausage in the frying pan say to the other when asked, "it's getting kind of hot in here, eh?"

A: "Oh my God!!! A talking sausage!!!"

Q: What should you do if you find a blogger buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Get more sand.

There was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!

"Captain, captain, what should we do?" "First mate, bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the leader.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"

Two peanuts were walking in an alley one was a salted.

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