Drawing: Tickets for Demetri Martin at The Egg + City Beer Hall gift certificate
Drawing's closed!
Comedian Demetri Martin will be back at The Egg January 29 for a stand-up show. We've have a pair of tickets and we're giving them away.
BUT WAIT -- there's more. In addition to the pair of tickets, we're adding a $30 gift certificate for The City Beer Hall, which, of course, is right near The Egg.
To enter the drawing, please answer this in the comments:
Demetri Martin is known for his one-liners. So, tell us all a joke.
One-liner, knock-knock, very short story, whatever. Goofy, groan-inducing joke? Go for it. In fact, we'll start with one:
Q: Why was the banana always picked first for games on the playground?
A: Because it had a peel.
There's nowhere but up from that one.
The Demetri Martin show at The Egg is at 8 pm on Thursday, January 29. Tickets are $42.50.
Important: All comments must be submitted by noon on Thursday, January 22, 2015 to be entered in the drawing. You must answer the question to be part of the drawing. (Normal commenting guidelines apply.) One entry per person, please. You must enter a valid email address (that you check regularly) with your comment. The winner will be notified via email by 5 pm on Thursday and must respond by noon on Friday, January 23.
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Comments
What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business!
... said gmf on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:14 PM | link
A three-legged dog walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
... said Jesse on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:19 PM | link
Q: How do you take a pig to the hospital?
A: In a hambulance!
... said Michelle on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:28 PM | link
What did the wind turbine say to the solar panel?
I'm a big fan.
... said Jessica R W on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:29 PM | link
Q: Where do you bury potatoes?
A: In the gravy yard.. -_-
... said M on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:34 PM | link
Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
A: It gets toad away.
... said Josh on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:37 PM | link
There were two hats, one said, you stay here I'll go on ahead.
... said Robby Yuskevich on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:40 PM | link
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.
... said Tess on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:40 PM | link
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear!
... said Kate on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:42 PM | link
Why is six afraid of seven... because seven ate nine.
... said Bob Gumson on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:43 PM | link
The furniture store keeps calling me to come back....But all I wanted was one night stand.
... said Kerry on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:43 PM | link
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one!
... said BB on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:46 PM | link
what did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam.
... said Alison on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:50 PM | link
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow w--
MOOOOOO!!!
... said Adam on Jan 20, 2015 at 2:58 PM | link
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
... said C. on Jan 20, 2015 at 3:04 PM | link
Why don't seagulls fly by the bay?
Because then they would be Bagels.
... said Jake on Jan 20, 2015 at 3:06 PM | link
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: a stick
... said Jenna on Jan 20, 2015 at 3:06 PM | link
What happens when a piano falls down a coal mine?
A-flat minor.
... said Elle on Jan 20, 2015 at 3:19 PM | link
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
... said Nagma on Jan 20, 2015 at 3:27 PM | link
knock knock
who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe Momma
... said james on Jan 20, 2015 at 3:29 PM | link
when is a door not a door?
when it is ajar!
... said mike on Jan 20, 2015 at 3:32 PM | link
Two scientists walk into a bar. First one says, I'll have some H2O. Second one says, I'll have some H2O too. Second one dies.
... said lauren on Jan 20, 2015 at 3:38 PM | link
A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.
The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."
Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.
He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Aren't you that piece of string from before...?"
"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."
... said DEN on Jan 20, 2015 at 3:52 PM | link
A snail is paints a big letter S on his car. His friend the turtle ses him and asks why. The snail replies, "When people see me drive by, they can say, 'Look at the S-car-go!'"
... said Trish on Jan 20, 2015 at 4:03 PM | link
Whats the difference between oooo and ahhh? An inch.
... said Sarah on Jan 20, 2015 at 4:05 PM | link
At Starbucks I order under the name Godot. Then leave.
... said -S on Jan 20, 2015 at 4:06 PM | link
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shih tzu.
... said Casey on Jan 20, 2015 at 4:25 PM | link
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh!
... said JPG on Jan 20, 2015 at 4:32 PM | link
What do you call a pig who can do karate?
A pork chop!
... said N on Jan 20, 2015 at 6:00 PM | link
What did the frog say out of it jumped out of an airplane?
...
"Ribbit."
... said Angela on Jan 20, 2015 at 6:14 PM | link
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
... said Burton on Jan 20, 2015 at 7:16 PM | link
I'm a 5'2'' tall adult male, and whenever I hear people say that they "might may be a little short," I can't help but respond "I'm always a little short."
... said Shaun on Jan 20, 2015 at 7:52 PM | link
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large-breasted crab?
One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean.
... said Amy D. on Jan 20, 2015 at 8:12 PM | link
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
... said Big 'Vic' Proton on Jan 20, 2015 at 9:49 PM | link
Why don't vampires procreate?
Because they have Hollow-weenies.
... said Kerosena on Jan 20, 2015 at 9:50 PM | link
2 balls minus 1 = 7 Tour de France Wins
... said Kelly on Jan 20, 2015 at 11:02 PM | link
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
You wave to her.
... said Dave on Jan 21, 2015 at 4:46 AM | link
Why did the cow cross the road?
To go to the mooo-vies!
... said MikeH on Jan 21, 2015 at 7:52 AM | link
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
... said Mike on Jan 21, 2015 at 7:59 AM | link
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
... said Spencer on Jan 21, 2015 at 8:00 AM | link
Q: What do you do when you find a blogger buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Go get more sand.
... said Rob on Jan 21, 2015 at 8:13 AM | link
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: snowballs
(groan)
... said Alisa Costa on Jan 21, 2015 at 8:44 AM | link
Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A: "I'll never part with it."
... said Tara on Jan 21, 2015 at 9:18 AM | link
Mitch McConnell
John Boehner
... said JES on Jan 21, 2015 at 9:20 AM | link
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
If the recipient says "RRRRRRR," than say, "No, it's the 'C'" or vice versa.
... said Chris R. on Jan 21, 2015 at 9:24 AM | link
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Eye-matey!
... said Michael on Jan 21, 2015 at 9:26 AM | link
Q: What did the vegetables say at the garden party?
A: Lettuce turnip the beet!
... said Katie on Jan 21, 2015 at 9:41 AM | link
Q: What's it called when you lend money to a bison?
A: A buffa-loan!
... said Matt on Jan 21, 2015 at 9:42 AM | link
What do you call a snail on a ship?
A snailor!!!
... said Adam on Jan 21, 2015 at 9:53 AM | link
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here". In response, the mushroom says, "Why not?!? I'm a fungi!".
... said Jeff M. on Jan 21, 2015 at 9:58 AM | link
Q: What kind of bird flies south in the winter?
A: A regular bird.
... said Rosie on Jan 21, 2015 at 10:11 AM | link
How do you drown a hipster?
In the mainstream.
... said Jordan on Jan 21, 2015 at 10:12 AM | link
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
... said Bob W. on Jan 21, 2015 at 10:15 AM | link
Q: What is a meninist's favorite chemical element?
A: Bromine
... said Bryan on Jan 21, 2015 at 10:16 AM | link
Q: Why did a man bring a ladder to school?
A: Because it was a high school
... said Jbird on Jan 21, 2015 at 10:44 AM | link
On the customer feedback page of an online pizza delivery service:
Customer: I just got your pizza. It sucks. It's just a plain piece of bread with no sauce or toppings. I will never order from you again.
Pizza joint: we deeply regret that our pizza did not meet your standards. We strive for quality and excellence. Please, give us another chance, and we promise that you will be satisfied.
Customer: disregard my previous post. I had the box upside down.
... said JoeA on Jan 21, 2015 at 11:20 AM | link
Why did the punk rocker cross the road? He had a chicken stapled to his head.
... said Barold on Jan 21, 2015 at 11:22 AM | link
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
... said G on Jan 21, 2015 at 11:23 AM | link
How does Jesus make tea? Hebrews it!
... said Rob on Jan 21, 2015 at 11:25 AM | link
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Avenue!
Avenue who?
Avenue heard this joke before.
... said Shawn on Jan 21, 2015 at 11:26 AM | link
- Where do cats like to go hiking?
- A meowtain!
... said Caroline on Jan 21, 2015 at 11:37 AM | link
There are two fish in a tank, what does one say to the other?
Do you know how to drive this thing?
... said Alicia on Jan 21, 2015 at 11:37 AM | link
A priest, a monk, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
... said Laura on Jan 21, 2015 at 11:48 AM | link
Knock knock
Who is there?
Patient cow
Patient cow who?
Moo.
... said Erin on Jan 21, 2015 at 11:52 AM | link
What do you call a cow without legs? Ground beef.
... said Silvia Meder Lilly on Jan 21, 2015 at 12:12 PM | link
My 4yr old's first joke:
Knock Knock
--Who's There
Boo
--Boo Who?
Don't Cry, It's Only Me!
... said Dave on Jan 21, 2015 at 12:24 PM | link
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt."
... said Ashley on Jan 21, 2015 at 1:12 PM | link
What happens when you tell an egg a joke?
It cracks up!
... said CD1083 on Jan 21, 2015 at 1:33 PM | link
For me, this one...
"Descartes walks into a bar and proceeds to order many drinks. The bartender cuts him off saying, ‘I think you’ve had enough.’ Descartes slurs, ‘I think not!’ Then he disappears."
... said ned on Jan 21, 2015 at 1:58 PM | link
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, what's with the long face?"
... said Nick on Jan 21, 2015 at 2:58 PM | link
Did you hear the one about the lady who broke her arm in two places?
She didn't go to those two places anymore.
... said Allison on Jan 21, 2015 at 3:06 PM | link
I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
From the late great Mitch Hedburg.
... said ArTSc on Jan 21, 2015 at 3:33 PM | link
Taking things literally can lead to confusion, but at the end of the day, 11:59.
... said Will on Jan 21, 2015 at 3:48 PM | link
What kind of witch would you find in the desert?
A Sand-witch!
... said vwbugman on Jan 21, 2015 at 4:07 PM | link
What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
"I think I'm coming down with something."
... said Ryan on Jan 21, 2015 at 4:31 PM | link
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wa-saaaa-bee??!!
... said Amy on Jan 22, 2015 at 9:45 AM | link
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie.
... said julie on Jan 22, 2015 at 9:56 AM | link
Hey did I ever tell you about the time that I worked for Polaroid? Well I quit 'cause I didn't think my career could develop there...
So I ended up working at Tropicana for a short time after that, but then I got fired 'cause I couldn't concentrate.
... said Evan on Jan 22, 2015 at 10:38 AM | link
a horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face"? And the horse says "because alcohol is destroying my life"
... said Barry Gell on Jan 22, 2015 at 10:48 AM | link
A chicken and egg are laying in bed together smoking a cigarette. The chicken leans over, winks and says to the egg "I guess we answered THAT question didn't we"
... said Laraine Gell on Jan 22, 2015 at 10:50 AM | link
I hate Russian dolls...they're so full of themselves.
... said Tooter on Jan 22, 2015 at 11:53 AM | link
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
... said amanda on Jan 22, 2015 at 12:50 PM | link