All Over Albany

An exit interview with winter

April is a good time to take stock of the past winter and assess how things went.

Toward that end, we recently obtained a copy of this year's exit interview with winter.

Thank you for doing this. We don't want to take you away from your work for too long.

I think we both know I'm contractually obligated to take part in this.

Yes, well, we appreciate it nonetheless. So... let's talk about this most recent season. Our metrics indicate there has been a significant underperformance issue.

That's one way of putting it, I guess.

You are some 42 inches behind on your snowfall target. The number of days of pond skating dipped below industry standards. And now you're dragging out your work. There were reports of snow flurries today.

I'm not going to sit here and deny any of this. I mean, the facts are the facts. But, really, I don't know how to please you people anymore. If I do what I'm told, it's "I'm cold! I don't want to shovel! I don't know how to drive in the snow! Ew, slush!" And if I back off, it's all "Well, well, we're a little concerned about your effort..."

This wouldn't be a big issue, but, frankly, there have been complaints from other departments. We don't want to name names, but let's just say others feel that your performance is affecting their ability to be their best.

It was those guys in Flowering Flora, wasn't it? Man, what a barrel of backstabbing jack weasels. To your face it's all smiles and hugs, but you turn your back and it's gossip, gossip, gossip.

Let's not make the choice of anger here. This is really about your wellbeing. There's concern that you've been acting erratically, and that's affecting your ability to be a team player...

Oh, this is going to be good...

There was word that you were found sobbing quietly in the corner during the last holiday party. And last summer at the company field day you refused to participate in any of the team-building activities.

Yeah, like I'm going to run three-legged races with Beach Season and Free Summer Concert Season. Have you ever talked to them? No one can be that happy and carefree all the time. It's weird.

Is it possible that maybe you need to see someone about this? That a professional could help you find the highest and best use of your self?

Ha. Ha. Ha. No. You really want to know what the problem here is? Yeah? OK. This is a hostile working environment. That's the real problem here.

(blank stare)

Don't look at me like that. You know what I'm talking about. Global warming -- oh, no, excuse me, climate change -- has been squeezing me like a vice, and it feels like some sadist just keeps spinning the crank. And then this year, there's the whole the El Nino thing. I mean, have you ever tried to get real work done while a kid is constantly all over you? It's ridiculous. No one can work like this.

We are hearing you. But it's important to remember that these challenges are not obstacles. They're opportunities for success.

(headdesk)

Uh... are you...

(headdesk)

So, let's just leave it there. Good talk.

Finally. I thought this was never going to end. I'm going to go drink until next November.
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Earlier on AOA: This was the warmest, least snowy (meteorological) winter on record