As if Jeff Bezos's heart breaks for anything

CEG Amazon Rensselaer cropped

The Onion, showing no mercy:

Cringing as he scanned the section touting the city as the economic and cultural core of New York State's Capital Region, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly felt his heart break a little while perusing Albany's pitch to host the company's new national headquarters, sources confirmed Tuesday. "Oh, jeez, you can tell they put a lot of work into this sad presentation--they even provided a concept sketch of our headquarters across the river from their little Amtrak station," said Bezos, noting that the package, which included a custom-made SUNY Albany Great Danes football jersey with "AMAZON" written on the nameplate, laid out the many ways a new $5 billion campus would benefit from being situated nearby such landmarks as the New York State Museum and The Egg, a performance art center the proposal referred to as "iconic." ...

Brutal.

By the way...
Does anyone know if there's someone from this area who works/has worked at The Onion? It has focused on this place over the years with great specificity:
+ Nation's Boyfriends Dreading 'Free Event In The Park' Season (Niskayuna)
+ If I Go Extinct I Swear I Will Take As Many Humans With Me As I Can (Karner Blue butterfly)
+ ExxonMobil CEO Really Hurt That College Student Is Talking About Him Right Now (Skidmore)
+ Siblings Gather Around PowerPoint To Hash Out Off-Limits Topics For Thanksgiving (Delmar)
+ Man Pushing Self To Point Of Effort (Albany)
+ Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus (Albany)

(Those last two were pointed out by Mr. Dave on Twitter.)

There are probably a few more that we're missing.

Earlier: A snapshot of the Capital Region pitch to Amazon

Comments

Area Man Deeply Despondent Over 'The Onion' Stories

ALBANY — Cringing as he read yet another satirical article about his beloved hometown, the Albany resident said he's increasingly depressed with the news coverage his city receives.

"Yeah, it's great to see Albany in the national news. But wow, I gotta say it just hurts when it's 'The Onion' and they make fun of us. It really messes with my whole day." The area man went on to say "I just don't know why they have to pick on us. I mean, what about Tonawanda? Or Binghamton?"

"I don't even feel like seeing anything at The Egg or going to the Tulip Festival anymore — The Onion has ruined them for me."

At press time, the area man was seen wandering around the New York State Museum, dejectedly perusing 'McSweeney's' for any mention of his beloved hometown.

Bob's comment wins the week!

If anything, The Onion piece will bring some extra attention to the Capital Region's proposal, attention it may not have gotten otherwise. I think it can only help our slim chance.

You missed this very disturbing report:

https://www.theonion.com/human-head-found-in-hamburger-1819594651

All hail Bob :-)

Perhaps the same person who ran the Albany Smudge?

There are so many!!!
https://local.theonion.com/search?q=Albany+ny

It's like you want people to think that you think it's funny when you're really not laughing at all and trying to find the individual(s) who expose the bad ideas that come out. Huh.

I wonder how much we spent on that bid. Perhaps it could have gone to lower tax bills.

Bob's comment wins. Also, proposal had no gondola love, or mention of direct access to (polluted) Hudson?

Where are we on the Rensselaer to Lake George monorail project?

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